🔥Embers from Ash🌻

Okay ya'll I'm hopping off for the night. This all felt like soul fire and a soul fire kind of day that I didn't want to leave ya'll out of. and now my body is freaking tired. I'll try not to be offline as long this time. I fucking love you guys.

So they don't know that at age 16, the very first day I drove on my own with my driver's license.... I was late getting home. Well, no I wasn't late because I got off work early. But I did make an unauthorized stop to pick up my prom pictures because I was told they were ready. That decision ended up with her chasing me across the apartment, taking my phone and throwing it, pinning me down to the bed and leaving claw marks all over my face. They don't know I ran away that night and was picked up as a runaway. And though I'd never once gotten in trouble, had straight As, honors and 2 jobs.... They believed her when she said I was just a delinquent runaway. She gave them my options. Which the officer enforced. My options? I could stay with her and suck it up. I could go to juvenile detention similar to what happened when the cops were called after she abused my brother. (He went to a behavioral hospital for that) Or the third option? The one reason I'm even bringing this specific example up? The third option my mom offered to the police officer that night, was for me to go live with my grandma. Who, at the time, was living with and married to the man who sexually abused me for years, and in front of my mom once. Like, she actually woke up and saw him doing it. That is who she was going to let me go live with if I didn't want to live with her or go to juvenile detention. But she loves me so much, right? Why do I have to share a story like that to be taken seriously? It's time people start respecting someone when they say THERE IS A PERSON I REALIZED WAS VERY BAD FOR ME AND I AM BETTER OFF WITHOUT THEM. Full stop. People don't need to go and tell you their trauma story. You aren't ever owed that by anyone. I'm willing to go there now. But there's a different way I wanted to share this story in particular. And outside of my husband, my therapist and my best friends, this is the first time I am sharing it. But yeah, I think that's the moment I realized I really didn't like my mom as a person. It took me a lot longer to realize I felt that way though. Can you imagine not liking your own mom? And having a valid reason for it that no one else seems to think is valid unless you spell it out like a damn autopsy exam? Additionally, I cannot fathom, as a mother, getting a call that one of my children was shot in the eye with a gun and not immediately calling 911. Full freaking stop. That was incredibly negligent. I didn't realize I was gonna have to spell that one out. Instead, I have to be grateful she did get me to the hospital. Which I am. But that doesn't negate that I'm also allowed to be upset that she wasn't more responsible. Or that I'm not allowed to see clearly how it could've been the difference between me having a voice to use....or being dead. Part 2/2 @EmbersfromAsh

I don't understand. I don't understand how people think this is compassion. Or think this is the helpful thing to say to someone who has been through trauma and start speaking about it. It immediately and directly at the same time minimizes my feelings about my own experiences. This same person had just read and commented on another post where I clearly stated I had an abusive mother. This is a stranger on the Internet who doesn't even know who I'm talking about. Part 1/1 @EmbersfromAsh

You know what? I've waited so long to share my story trying to find the perfect way to do it.. But there's never going to be a perfect way. Perfect is an utter delusion. @EmbersfromAsh

Some people use children as emotional weapons. They pour all of their heartache into them and then volley them into the people they are mad at. "Your uncle did this " "your aunt did this" "your brother did this" "your mom did this". They keep telling them all of the ways they are victimized until the child starts to be upset with that person too. Suddenly, they're worked up about the situation that just two minutes ago they didn't know anything about. A situation that doesn't concern them, doesn't involve them and isn't their business. A situation they don't know the half of. Because an adult made it that child's business and only gave their half truth story. But a kid usually doesn't have the life acumen to step back and say "wait a minute. Could I be getting manipulated?" Nope. Most kids will just take the information in and form a judgement. They might even try to fight that fight. Throw themselves into a fire they didn't start. Do anything to make that adult feel better. And that adult has an understanding about what they are doing. They know kids are susceptible. They know kids won't ask the questions needed. The truth is ... In situations like this, grooming is going on. Grooming comes in different forms, not necessarily sexual. It's a slow, deliberate distortion of reality to make something that is not normal and not healthy, feel normal and healthy. There are adults who groom and parentify the children in their lives to be their caretaker and emotional support. Which is NOT OK. Ever. A *child* should never have to shoulder the weight of an adult's problems. And sometimes, that is unavoidable. But sometimes it actually isn't. Sometimes you just have to see it for what it is and be brave enough to prevent it from happening to your own kids. Take care of yourselves out there. Know your worth. Know how you deserve to be treated. Stand on that. @EmbersfromAsh

I shared the story of how I lost my eye yesterday. And by the end of the night, I received a text from a family member basically about how I'm the world's worst daughter for not forgiving my mom and having a relationship with her. Let that sit. I shared a story about a very significant trauma in my life. An event that left me without a body part. And a family member who I've had absolutely no problems with ever....saw it as an attack against my mom. They didn't see it as me sharing my story. No message of support saying they were proud of me. They looked for the attack. Because they've been groomed to. It's called triangulation. While I stepped away and sought therapy and got myself into a much better healthy state, my birth mother turned to our dysfunctional, broken family and played the victim and painted the picture she needed them to see. So much so, that when I share my story about my trauma, it is made to be about her. And how I'm hurting her. Just how like when I first lost my eye, she told everyone it hurt her more than it hurt me. Just how like how when I lost my dad to abandonment, my grief was always an attack on her. Just like how when I was applying for college and needed help with my FAFSA, I couldn't get help from her because she was mad at me for not dropping my entire life to nurse her after surgery. It was always about her. I wasn't allowed to have a single problem without her hijacking it. I couldn't have a single success without her hijacking that too. And I'll probably have to have some form of therapy the rest of my life because of her. Not because I was shot in an eye. Not because of other major traumas either. But because I lived a childhood where my identity was hijacked every day to be about my mom, her needs and her emotions. And I was aggressively put back into that role when I tried to outgrow it. The truth is... I haven't even started talking yet. The minor comment in that video that I did make about her, I would've never been brave enough to share honestly before now. It's taken a lot of healing to share that story from a place of authentic feeling vs preemptively editing it to make her look as good as possible. And honestly? What I said wasn't even bad compared to what she's done to me.... Like this was a tv-7 rating in comparison to the tv-ma abuse and neglect I've experience from her. And the video wasn't even fucking about her ‼️ There will probably be videos about her. This was not one. This experience just made me feel braver about sharing more because it just highlights how absolutely ridiculous it is that I can't share a story about my own trauma without bending over backwards to make sure she's painted in a good light. I've had enough therapy now to know that I do deserve to tell my story. And I deserve to tell it honestly. Not from her perspective. But from mine. Because whether she will ever be capable of getting this or not - I am my own damn person. She doesn't own me. I'm not her "dolly" or puppet or "guru". I. Am. Me. Oh and another thing.. I had an abusive mother and an absent father. I will gladly wear the "bad daughter" hat every day if that means I get to wear my "badass and amazing mom" jeans too. Because I'm an amazing mother. And that to me is the best form of revenge. I don't share anything to hurt her. I want her to heal. I share, because I deserve to heal too and I've finally realized that yes, it's okay to choose me, my health, stability with MY family over ....anything that is threatening it. @EmbersfromAsh

Well....I can't figure out how to download this video and then upload it here right now. But I shared the story of how I lost my eye today if anyone would like to tune into it ❤️ https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1mAEEyCVtk/ https://www.tiktok.com/@ashlaraez/video/7674098733222612255?is_from_webapp=1&sender_device=pc&web_id=7674442276206249503

Hey guys.... I owe you an I'm sorry for being so absent. Because I actually am. Not because you expect it. But I miss ya'll. It has been a really fun, really wild, really healing summer. Pretty much all of July went to my son's baseball efforts. He made it to the World Series in Louisiana and brought home Second pace. I am SO proud of him! This month my daughter started PREK. what the actual heck! How did that happen?? Do ya'll remember just yesterday when she was born 😭 Ya'll were here for that. You were here for some of my happiest moments and some of my hardest moments. I'm so thankful for that. I'm thankful I had all of you. August has been a really fucking big month for clarity. I'm finally spreading my wings. I'm letting my story out. And you are a huge part of me making it to this point. I owe you a huge thank you for that. I love you guys. I hope you've been doing really well.

🔥Embers from Ash🌻 pinned a photo

I didn't know when I published that little poetry chapbook, how profound it was at the time. It was more than a breakthrough. It was more than me proving to myself I could do the damned thing. It was a eulogy and premonition in one. The version of me which was built through trauma, abuse and survival was dying in the fires of grief. A new me was being forged. One who grabbed onto the flames that had been burning her, controlling her for years, and used them as her own personal shield. She stopped fawning and freezing and fleeing. She took the fight her brother had left with her and she finally found the courage to rise. In real time, I was burning bridges built on lies - one truth at a time. ✨✨ Stay tuned for more.. @EmbersfromAsh

Wow. I can't believe it's been since April since I gave that phone update. So yeah, I never figured out a solve. And honestly that's okay. I've built the relationships I was meant to build here and when timing and inspiration lines up, I'll still share here occasionally. I would love to stay in touch more often with many of you though. You all probably know who we are. We've spent so much time healing and unhealing and breaking and unbreaking and putting pieces together, together. I don't want to lose those connections. Also, I've been a very busy mom. End of school year parties, field trips, awards ceremonies, graduations, baseball tournaments, end of rec season parties and games. I've also been a very proud mom as not one but TWO of my sons made it on our local "All Star" teams. Each team from the rec season pics a few kids to try out for All Stars. They both tried out and made their teams. 6u (tball) and 8u (coach pitch). We just had our first tournament this past weekend and it was INSANE. I travelled an hour away both days, with all of my kiddos, by myself. The fields were about a half mile away so thankfully one of them had super delayed games and I was able to watch all 4 of them! My older son rocked it winning 15-0 in his first game and then they lost by a smidge their second game. My youngest son won both of his games. We have another tournament this weekend, 3 days of practices and somehow I need to fit in grocery shopping, lawn care, laundry - oh and get the stains out of white baseball pants. Did I mention my husband has been travelling for work a lot? So yeah, that's where I've been. Just enjoying life at lightspeed lol. Hope ya'll are doing great! I'll check in when I can. Would love to hear 1 thing from you that you hope to never forget from this year so far ❤️💫 Ash

People take themselves too seriously. They're taught A leads to B B leads to C But sometimes A also leads to C And Z And sometimes a B wasn't needed for that word Is it conditioning? Is it a habitual attempt to control an outcome? Control = an illusion All forms of human control are an illusion because we do not actually control anything except for our self. We nudge. We influence. We cause. We effect. That's when what really matters are our thoughts and our intentions ++++++ how we act upon them. When your intentions are clean and your actions align with them - the noise, the static, the stress and the need to "control" seems to cease. Because at the heart of the dilemma that plagues our human condition is how we regard our own self. Do we respect our own self? Do we admire our self? Do we make our self feel seen and wanted and heard? What about when you make a mistake. Do you give yourself grace or do you beat yourself up for days? You'll find the people with the most abundant self-love, are the ones who do respect themselves, but are also willing to make fun of them self, they do admire all that they've accomplished, they do ensure to speak up when needed and to leave spaces they aren't wanted in so they can find the places they always belonged. When they make a mistake, they learn from it instead of defining themselves by it. They know that life is meant to be lived and experienced - not to just be "good" all of the time. So they roll with the punches and then make fruit punch when they can. @EmbersfromAsh 🌻💫

@earth_portugal_miguel

Have a beautiful day 💋

Hey everyone! I got a new phone recently and with it being baseball season and all...I haven't found the time to figure out how to get Telegram onto my phone. Especially since I do not have access to the phone number attached to this telegram account anymore. For now, I will only be able to engage from my computer. I love you all and will make sure to post any major changes or updates here ❤️ Hope everyone has been having a great time!

Literally my life since 2020 👆🏼. Feels sooooooo good to be on the other side of "falling apart" as I keep putting mySelf together

@newfirebird