/r/Jokes

I was hungry for cole slaw I was feeling pretty hungry for lunch and remembered I had some cole slaw in my fridge. I went to grab it and it dropped out of my hand. The top popped off and it all fell on the floor. I tried to grab a paper towel but the paper towel holder broke and fell into a vase that got knocked over and shattered. I cut my foot on the glass and after tending to the wound and cleaning up the mess I picked up the top of the tub that fell off. Turns out instead of grabbing the cole slaw I grabbed the murphy slaw. https://redd.it/1vopy34 @r_jokes

What do you call a small, confused antelope? An idk idk https://redd.it/1voa6ng @r_jokes

A new diet A person is terribly overweight, so their doctor put them on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds." When the patient returned, they shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 40 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" The patient nodded... "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day." "From hunger, you mean?", asked the doctor. " No, from skipping." https://redd.it/1vob2pr @r_jokes

After getting his quarterly grooming, the donkey asked if he could keep the cut fur and hoof trimmings. ​ The farmer was surprised, but said "Sure." The donkey took the fur and trimmings and crafred a tiny donkey doll out of them. Seeing this, the farmer burst out laughing and the embarrassed and humiliated donkey ran home crying. When he got back to the stable, his wife asked him what was wrong. Sobbing, the donkey said, "The farmer was laughing at me: I made an ass of myself in front of him!" https://redd.it/1vo7k0w @r_jokes

A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. When he gets home his wife asks, "Well? How is she doing?" He says, "Apparently she's doing great. She's gonna get out of the hospital and live with us for decades." "Amazing!" says the wife. "But... I don't understand. Yesterday the doctor said she only had a few days to live!" And the husband says, "Well, I don't know about yesterday, but today the doctor told me to prepare for the worst." https://redd.it/1vo8i9x @r_jokes

A man went walks a store and asked the manager if he could sell "smart pills" in front of the store. A man went walks a store and asked the manager if he could sell "smart pills" in front of the store. The manager says "I don't mind". So the guy goes out front and puts up a sign, "Smart Pills: $1 each". Curious, the manager walks out and says, "I'll try one of those smart pills" He hands the man a dollar and gets a small brown round pill. He immediately puts the pill in his mouth. Gagging and spitting, the manager spits it out. "This tastes like rabbit crap" The man replies: "See there, you're getting smarter already." https://redd.it/1vnplux @r_jokes

Husband: “Rumor has it you’ve been cheating on me with the whole town!” Wife: “The whole town? It’s only 40 houses. I wouldn’t call it a town.” https://redd.it/1vnyum3 @r_jokes

Joke from Russia A Russian woman returns from her vacation on the Black Sea. She opens her suitcase and it is absolutely stuffed with one ruble notes. "What's this?" her husband asks "Well while I was there I decided to do a little prostituting." "My god," said the husband, "I myself would not give you more than one ruble!" "Neither did they." https://redd.it/1vnsk0z @r_jokes

The new base commander is making his first inspection The new base commander is making his first inspection when he sees a soldier guarding a bench by the mess hall. The commander marches over. "Soldier!" he barks. Why are you guarding this bench?" The soldier salutes the new base commander. "Sir, I don’t know, sir!" he answers. "The previous commander had ordered the bench to be guarded, so we guard it, sir! Following orders, sir! I think it’s base tradition, sir!" The base commander goes back to his headquarters and calls up the previous base commander. He asks why he has a soldier guarding this particular bench by the mess hall. "The previous commander always had a guard at that bench. So I kept that tradition." The new base commander finds three previous commanders, and they all give him the same answer. Finally, he reaches the original base commander, who is now a 99 year old retired general, a veteran of World War II. "I’m now the commanding officer of the little base that you originally commanded 72 years ago. I found a men guarding a bench outside of the mess hall. Can you tell me something about this bench?" "What?" the old general says. "Is the paint still wet??!!" https://redd.it/1vnt7zc @r_jokes

A retired general walks into a hotel bar, dressed in his old uniform, and sits down next to an attractive young woman. They hit it off, and since she has a thing for men in uniform, she asks, "Why don’t you come up to my room?” He responds with, "I'm flattered, but at my age, I'm not sure things would work out the way you hope." She says, "but you're the distinguished kind of old, and you're still in good shape... tell me, when was the last time you had sex?" "Oh...", the general responds sheepishly, "sometime around 1958". "Well," says the young woman, "I'm sure it'll all come back to you." So they end up in bed together, and the general leaves her wowed. When it's all over, she says, "General, that was wonderful! I knew you hadn't forgotten a thing since 1958!" The general responds, "Well, I should certainly hope not. It's only 2130 now." https://redd.it/1vnpv0u @r_jokes

So a guy tells his buddy, "I'm dating this unusual Turkish woman. Her mother was Tunisian and her father was Canadian. One of her grandparents was Albanian and her half-brother is Danish." "Dude, you need to break up with her," says his buddy. "Why?" "Too many red flags." https://redd.it/1vniazi @r_jokes

A man walks into a bar He orders whiskey with no ice. He drinks it straight, in one shot. Then he asks the bartender "Excuse me, do you know how tall penguins are?" The bartender, confused, says "I don't know, maybe half a meter?" Then, the man orders another shot, drinks it straight. He asks again "And what would be the tallest a penguin can be?" The bartender, even more confused, answers "Probably a meter" The man orders yet another shot, no ice, and drinks it. "Then I think I ran over a nun" https://redd.it/1vng7ud @r_jokes

Two friends were playing golf Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one. "I sure do," he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch Bic lighter. "Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster?" "I got it from my genie." "You have a genie?" he asked. "Yes, he's right here in my golf bag." "Could I see him?" He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie. The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?" "Yes I will," the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard. The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks not ducks!" He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch Bic?" https://redd.it/1vn9ui0 @r_jokes

Scientists have discovered the elixir of life Scientists finally discovered how to communicate with dolphins and it turns out that they have discovered the secret to an elixir which allows you to live forever. However, they are missing one ingredient and it can only be found on a remote island where a rare breed of seagull nests. The ingredient they are missing is contained in the gull's eggs. A further complication is that man eating lions live on the island. The scientists agree to visit the island and retrieve the eggs and hit upon the plan of waiting until the lions are sleeping before attempting to collect the eggs. They succeed but are instantly arrested. >!They were transporting underage gulls across staid lions for immortal porpoises.!< https://redd.it/1vn68jp @r_jokes

I told a joke on zoom meeting but no one laughed Turns out I am not remotely funny https://redd.it/1vn3c93 @r_jokes

A gorilla walks into a bar A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a beer. "That'll be $12.50." The gorilla pays and sits quietly sipping his beer. The bartender can't contain his curiosity and he asks, "Say, we don't get many gorillas in here..." The gorilla looks up and says, "At these prices I'm not surprised." https://redd.it/1vn0t1o @r_jokes

Three explorers are in the deepest, darkest Amazon when they're captured by a tribe of cannibals! The explorers are taken on their knees to the cannibal chief who looks down on them and says... "Do you know what we're going to do to you? Hmm? While the cauldrons boil we're gonna tenderize you with clubs. We're gonna take our knives and skin ya and tan ya hides to make canoes. Still alive we're gonna plunge ya into the boiling pots and boil what's left of you alive and eat ya! And what's left we'll feed to the dogs and the pigs! Whadda ya think of that eh?" The head explorer pipes up accepting his fate and asks... "Well can we at least have a last request?" The chief laughs and says... "Alright... What'll it be?" "A knife. So I can end it less painfully." "Done!" The chief gives the explorer a knife and he escapes the pain of torture. "And you?" "Pass it over", says the second explorer and follows the example of the first. "And you last man? What is your last request?" The last explorer exclaims, "A Fork!" The cannibals laugh at the request and when they calm the chief says, "Alright, alright settle down! Give the man a fork hah!" the last explorer takes the fork and maniacally, repeatedly stabs himself all over his body screaming, "YOU'RE NOT MAKING ANY BLOODY CANOE OUTTA ME!!!" (Been telling that joke since I was a kid in the 80s but wondered if it would still be funny without the visual gag of the physical stabbing pantomime so thought I'd give it a shot telling it just in text. Credit goes to some random joke book in the 80s. Any feedback in comments on adjusting it would be great. Cheers! ) https://redd.it/1vmupsh @r_jokes

The Eclipse If you're planning to watch the eclipse through a colander, please be careful: You could strain your eyes. https://redd.it/1vmmo27 @r_jokes

What is the opposite of ladyfingers? Mentos. https://redd.it/1vmi2v7 @r_jokes

An elderly man is on his deathbed. With his sight failing, he turns to the doctor and asks, "Is my wife here?" The doctor assures him she is. "And my sons, my beautiful sons, are they here?" "They are." "What about my sister?" Consoling the poor man, the doctor tells him, "Don't worry, she's here, along with your brother-in-law. Just relax and don't worry about anything. Your entire family is at your side." The old man's head sinks back into his pillow, he closes his eyes, and says, "If everyone is here ... why is the light on in the kitchen?" https://redd.it/1vmipbs @r_jokes