On the Spectrum

this used to be a dream. now it came true🌻✨ @on_spectrum

at the clinic, we don't say "kids copy each other". we say: "monkey see, monkey do"😂

looking at the bright side. from my recent posts you would think that my job would only include difficulty, too much physical work, too much mental and physical strength. sometimes it is true. there are always hard days. there are always days that i come home and cry. not because i am mentally tired. but because i can't just save kids in this short amount of time. they can hurt me without doing it on purpose. but there are always good days. you see your kids making progress (yeah, i call them "my kids" because they are, i don't spend as much time as i do with any other people). you see your kids doing things independently, talking more, using their functional words more, laughing more, getting comfortable with you, trusting you. today i was with my other kid, and one of my kids in the room came to me and gave a me hug. he is such a hugger. he always comes to me and gives hugs. it's just pure joy. when i see my kids on the floor while i am not working with them, and then i say hi to them all the time. but when they wave at me as a response to my hi, there is no other person in the entire world who is happier than me. seeing their step by step slow progress from outside is amazing feeling. one day you just teach them a new skill. they can't do it. they require full physical prompts. the other day you slow it down and when they get the gist of it, you use partial physical prompts. then you start fading your prompts. at the end, they will master the skill. it's actually amazing. it really is. i have one sleepy guy. when he is tired, he rests his head on my shoulder, covers himself with the blanket, and closes his eyes. then i forget that he is a kid with ASD, but he is just a kid. just a "normal" little human being. i don't think i would ever forget any of this after I leave them. yes, the job is hard. but the reward you get is immense. and even though sometimes you cry over someone's kid, that kid would feel like your own and give you joy more than you think at first. @on_spectrum

today i saw "normal" kids playing and wished my kids could play like that only once.. we went to the park outside with the clinic kids. we were applying sunscreen on all of them, putting their safety vests, straight on the lines, holding their bags and clickers with us. because we still need to run targets even though we were playing outside. sometimes it hurts to see them not being able to play in the park like every other kid. then there is this middle school. a bunch of middle schoolers were playing basketball and red light, green light a bit farther from our kids. they were just playing but our kids were always under instructor control. i don't know why it hurt me a little and made me wish they could play just like them for a moment. it hurt me maybe a little more than that. but you know what, seeing them outside with other kids is also a bit refreshing to my eyes. because we are working with them to get to the point where they can thrive in this world without a lot of assistance. but i'm proud of my kids behaving so well at the park, playing, having a bit more fun. @on_spectrum

i haven't explained one point in my therapy. i don't punish children. we are not allowed to give punishment procedures to kids by Minnesota law. sometimes kids bite me, hurt me, punch me in the face, hit me. but still, i don't punish them. because there is always a reason behind these acts. they engage in these behaviors because they can't explain what they want, or i can't understand what they want. they can be sensorily overwhelmed, overstimulated, sleep deprived, scared, hungry, any kind of environmental or mental triggers can be the reason. therefore i take some time alone to analyze the reason behind it. then i look at my relationships with the closest people i have, family, friends. do i sometimes punish them unconsiously? do i put them in attention extinction? do i punish them by not calling, telling the truth inside me? i do. i punish people because they make me uncomfortable, uneasy, anxious, upset, or anything like that. but should i consider the reason behind it before taking that offensive? absolutely. ignoring, putting people in attention extinction, not talking to them, not communcating with them, not asking how they are in the first place before all of that drama happen is considered punishment. i don't think we want to punish our loved ones. i think we just need to find how to express our needs and wants and anything that are making us uneasy. because behaviors do not happen without a reason. there is always something behind it. @on_spectrum

Now I'm feeling deeper how much harder my work is than I thought it would. Today at work, we had to evacuate all kids because one of the kids engaged in serious barrier behaviors. I got hit three on the face just because the kid was upset and couldn't explain why he was upset. My colleague got a hug bruise on her arm just because the kid did not get what he wanted. My other colleague got a big cut on her face just because the kid was couldn't regulate herself. I'm talking about one day. Now imagine how many kids, how many days there are. Sometimes it gives chills to my bones. At least we are trying our best. @on_spectrum

Sometimes the empath inside me come home with all the brokenness from work. Sometimes it's hard not to feel sad for the kids while they are clearly suffering in front of you. Sometimes it's hard to hide your teary eyes while working. You're breaking inside but you have to smile and keep your steady tone outside. Sometimes it's just hard. @on_spectrum

summer used to be the worst season ever until now. it's still about heat but there is this beautiful side of summer exists calmly. how is summer going? @on_spectrum

never seen such a beautiful summer. the red barn is real. the bee on the flower is real. water lilies are real. the beautiful side of life. @on_spectrum

A life with peace. @on_spectrum

sorry for the long-read. i had to write it somewhere.

i made a mistake at work today. it was not all terrible. but for a second i though i could've traumatised a kid for the rest of his life. and that wasn't the first time my eyes got teared up at work. there is this girl i give therapy to, she is on this medication that makes her really hungry all the time. by the time she ate her breakfast, she wanted more, but i wasn't allowed to give her more food. we were in the kitchen putting her lunchbox in the fridge, and for one second i wasn't looking at her, she was grabbing other kid's breakfast. that kid was very frustrated, crying, whining, i have never seen him this frustrated. the other therapist helped me to calm both down. i got my kid out of the kitchen. i was frozen for some time in her room. cold blood rushed through my veins, made me freeze for a moment. it was my fault that i shouldn't have forgotten that her hunger made her steal others' food all the time. because it's not kids' fault that their neurons fire this way because of the autism and other medications, surgeries. then, for our morning meeting with all the staff and kids, i stepped out from the big space for a little bit. i just observed everyone. every single kid in that area was diagnosed with autism, but they all have different traits, difficulties, vocals, everything is different for every single one of them. it just hurt me a little. maybe more than a little. i witnessed the things i have never imagined to see in my entire life. now every day i come home with some bruises in my legs, some scratched in my neck or arms, because this goddamn autism made some kids have aggressive behaviors that they would physically hurt us. because they don't understand that they are hurting us. one day, one of my kids grabbed my neck, pinched and bit so hard, i though it would scar me. but this aggression was the response to a small denied access. the other day, i received training on a kid on a wheelchair who can't speak, plus he has autism. imagine. just imagine for a moment. it was the first time, i learned how to take care of a person on a wheelchair. at the beginning of my training, i learned to feed a kid through a g-tube. he can't swallow. he can't eat or even drink water. he can't hold his saliva. he can't talk. he can't make sound. he can't walk properly. i don't want to imagine the rest of his life in this condition. he had so many surgeries from childhood. he always has surgeries. my kids have mild aggression. but there are other kids who have crisis plans. some day we might not handle them, do things that would not hurt others around them. a lot of them cannot talk. we teach them how to talk. how to use their vocals, if they don't have vocals, we teach them to use their devices, pictural communication binders. we play with them, we, bunch of grown-ups, just play with them while teaching them how to live. yeah, it does sound hurtful: we teach them how to live in this inaccessible cruel world. i'm grateful for this job. it is teaching me that there is a life behind the "neurotypical" world, internet, social media, sugarcoating, AI, etc. i am not saying they don't matter. i am saying that there is a whole another world where children need our help. only we can help them to live a little bit happier every day. @on_spectrum

#new_books 1. How we die - Sherwin Nuland 2. Kiss and Tell - Alain de Botton 3. The list of things that will not change - Rebecca Stead 4. Jack London Short Stories 5. Hunger Games - Collins 6. Catching fire - Collins 7. Mockingjay - Collins 8. The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes - Collins 9. Sunrise on the Reaping - Collins 10. Avengers - Ultimate guide to earth's mightiest heros. What a great time to read! @on_spectrum

My internship is teaching me what it's like to live with a disability. I am seeing that there is life out there where people and kids struggle just because they have some disability. It's very hard to feel its challenges until you get exposed. I have a kid with a wheelchair, I had to learn how to push, lock, secure the wheelchair, and at the same time interact with the autistic kid in it. I had to learn how to feed a kid with a tube in his stomach while teaching him to play, ask and sit still. I had to learn how to put on and take off my kid's the leg braces and help him walk around, play, get more comfortable. These are all basic needs. I try to be as patient as possible for them to get better service every day. I just want them to be happy, live happier. @on_spectrum

It was supposed to be summer?!

Little me would have never guessed the older me giving therapy to autistic kids, G-tube feeding them, helping around in the clinic, overall, learning actual stuff about autism. Yes, it's hard. Yes, it takes a whole lot of responsibility that the quality life of these kids depend on me, and my coworkers. But it's such a rewarding experience. @on_spectrum