Mums Unstuck

Sometimes there is this indescribable feeling inside that is screaming an internal monologue"I JUST NEED EVERYONE TO STOP" because, if they were quiet, and didn't move, then you could feel okay. Most the time the kids are doing "normal" kid stuff....kids ARE loud and messy and don't even get me started on the energy that never seems to end subhanAllah! They're not being "naughty" but their loudness and childish antics makes you feel under constant attack! You end up trying to shut down everything they're doing, simply because you're trying to make yourself feel okay when you feel so NOT okay. You think if the house was quieter THEN your head would become quieter. You think if everyone behaved like statues, THEN the horrible tight feeling inside your body would disappear. You think if they would just settle, THEN you could settle. But that isn't how it works. I say this with love and understanding as someone who has one hundred percent been in your shoes. The kids and their noise and their energy is not the problem. BUT the way YOU are feeling in response to it all is a SIGN of A problem within yourself… Maybe you’re feeling heavy with the weight of everything piling up because you're feeling alone and unsupported. Maybe you’re putting high expectations upon yourself to "do it all" because this is what “good” women are supposed to do (where did we even get this idea from anyway because it isn’t true!) And, perhaps most importantly, you're not looking after yourself because you believe you can't. The relief you're looking for isn't at the end of micromanaging everything and everyone. It’s not found by trying to shut everyone else down. The relief you're looking for is found when you start addressing what's happening inside you that is making normal childhood feel unbearable today? The relief you're looking for is found when you ask yourself "How am I feeling" and "What do I need?" AND addressing it instead of ignoring it! The relief you're looking for is when you have someone close by you can ask for support who is willing to listen 🖤

🖤🧠🖤🧠🖤🧠🖤🧠🖤🧠🖤 There’s A LOT of talk about trauma and the nervous system BUT what does any of it actually mean when you’re standing in front of a child who is lashing out, running away, becoming extremely compliant or completely shutting down? AND..... why can their distress sometimes bring out a version of YOU that you barely recognise? I’m holding a three-hour, CPD and CE-accredited, trauma-informed workshop for mothers, female teachers and professionals who support children who want to understand the trauma-informed lens.... We’ll explore: ✨ What trauma actually is and how it can show up in everyday behaviour ✨ What happens in the brain, body and nervous system when we sense danger ✨ Why children and adults may become aggressive OR want to escape and completely shut down ✨ How your own behaviours can shape your reactions ✨ Why a child’s distress can activate something inside you too ❌This is not a parenting workshop filled with discipline strategies, scripts or quick fixes. ✔️It is an accredited professional development training giving you 3 CPD / CE points, providing you with a clear, accessible foundation for understanding trauma, nervous-system activation and what may be happening beneath behaviour. Because when you can understand what’s happening inside a child AND inside yourself, that awareness allows you to respond with greater curiosity and compassion to help everyone find calm. 📅 Sunday 13th September ⏰2pm - 6pm BST | 9am - 1pm ET | 4pm - 8pm KSA 💻 ONLINE via Zoom 🎟️ £39 🔗 https://mumsunstuck.com/cpd-parent Please feel free to share this with any mothers, teachers or female professionals who may benefit

So yesterday I shared that my "real" name is Clara, that most people assume I'm a revert (which I'll talk about in another post) and that I'd always struggled with my identity. I'm mixed race, with Palestinian on my paternal side, and English on my maternal. I grew up in a small town surrounded by farming villages in East Yorkshire, where everyone was pretty much white English and I always felt different. I think that difference is partly down to growing up as the only Muslim family in school and never feeling exactly the same as everyone else. And partly carrying inter-generational trauma that I'd inherited (we'll save that story for another day). I've never felt I belong anywhere. Too English to be Arab. And too Arab to be English. Always the outsider, never really belonging in any group. People always want to categorise people. And when they can't place you, they don't know what to do with you! 👇 And because THEY don't know what to do with you, that can leave you not knowing what to do with yourself. Just recently my daughter was applying for jobs, and you know how they always have the ethnicity box to fill, she said "Mum I never know which one to pick" ....her Dad is Pakistani origin, so my girls are a melting pot of identities! I told her I always select for myself "mixed other" because nothing there ever fits and I'm not going to pretend to be something I'm not just to make it easier for someone else. At the end of the day the only real identity that matters is that I am a Muslim, alhamdulillah. Because that is who I CHOOSE to be, alhamdulillah by the tawfeeq of Allah. I'm not Palestinian or English because I chose to be. I was created this way. Just as you didn't choose to be whatever your ethnicity is, be it Pakistani, or Somali, or Indian, or Bengali, or Indonesian, or Nigerian or anything else. You were created that way. Identity is formed around who you CHOOSE to be from within. It's what you say. What you do. It's your actions and your behaviours. It's not formed by the colour of your skin or the country you were born. Clara Umm Khadeeja Mums Unstuck

Our Mums Unstuck membership community is a melting pot of different families. Families who school. Families who homeschool. And families who online school. So when I sat down to think about a “Back To School” training to explore together in August, I had to ask myself how I could bring everyone together when everyone’s educational needs are somewhat different? What I came to is that every Muslim muma, regardless of education choices, are asking the same thing.... 👉How can we stay consistent and reach everyone’s best potential WITHOUT destroying ourselves in the process!? And so, as we approach the start of the brand new "school" year, whether you're schooling or home educating, in August we'll look at how to prepare your family for your best academic year yet, insha'Allah! ⭐️Become a member to attend the Back-to-School Growth Call training LIVE THIS SUNDAY, along with our replay library sharing 60+ training calls from the last 5 years! https://mumsunstuck.com

I’ve been known through my work by my kunyah, Umm Khadeeja. It gave me a little wall to hide behind so that it really was my work, not myself, out in front for people to see AND to avoid any presumptions being made about myself, by hiding my “real” name, Clara When I tell you my name is Clara, what do you assume about me? Most assume I’m a revert I’m not Although in the technical sense I was “born” Muslim and carried an identity of being Muslim throughout my childhood, I knew nothing other than Allah is my God and don’t eat pork I remeber as a small child taking a book to the bathroom showing step by step pictures of Wudu. I thought that’s how we were supposed to wash as Muslims and proudly came out telling my dad I’d just washed! I didn’t know that’s Somethign we do before prayer I remember when I turned 16 (the age you could legally buy a lottery ticket) intentionally choosing to never buy one because I knew gambling was haram and thought if I’ve never done it, don’t start it! But it wasn’t until I went to university in Northampton at 19, that I really started to learn more seriously about Islam. I discovered the train to London where I found “Islamic” bookstores and started buying books I think the first thing I bought was a (questionable translation) of Riyadus Saliheen and found myself an abayah I don’t fit into most peoples assumptions about me, so I used Umm Khadeeja to avoid ambiguity. I was ashamed of having the name Clara and at one point did “change” it to Hafsa but it never stuck because my husband rarely called me it. I still felt I was Clara I had a lot of identity issues and thought changing my name would solve it. It didn’t If I had an obvious Muslim name people might “accept” me better without putting me into a box. It didn’t I didn’t like myself and thought changing me name would help me. It didn’t The problem wasn’t what others thought about who I am, the problem was what I, and most importantly, my Lord, thought about me Eventually I went back to introducing myself as Clara in real life instead of Hafsah, and I think that’s when I started to rebuild myself from the inside-out. I ran out of space over on Instagram to continue this caption so I’ll stop it here and I guess we’ll have to continue with a part 2 🖤

When one of my children was 3, we went over to a playdate with a couple of other families, and she had what I can only describe as the most EPIC tantrum. When I tell you my girl tantrumed, she tantrumed! On the floor. Screaming. Full on melt-down. I remember the horrible feeling of suddently becoming VERY aware that everyone in the room was watching. I’d only recently met these sisters after moving to Leicester, and my internal PANIC screamed I needed to make this stop because this was humiliating I wasn;t thinking she’s 3 or that it was nearly bedtime and she is exhasuted. I wasn’t thinking about her at all. I was thinking about ME! I was thinking these sisters are gonna be thinking I’m a bad mum and won’t want us to hang out again because I clearly can’t control my own daughter! I couldn’t see anything else. I just wanted to get out fast. So I picked up her coat, got her baby sister into the buggy and we left very VERY quickly to end the internal shame that this was happening in front of people. When I look back now, I can see that I wasn;t responding to what was actually happening in front of me. I was responding to the MEANING I had given what was happening and reacting to the made up story in my head! The fact was my 3 year old had a tantrum. All kids do! BUT the story in my head made it all about ME. I was embarrassed. I look bad. I’m not good enough. And that story completely changed the way I experienced that situation AND my response to it. If I had paid attention to my daughter instead of myself, I could have addressed whatever was causing the tantrum and soothed it What I didn’t know then that I do know now is that: Behaviour + meaning YOU give it = how you experience the moment Change the story and that changes how you feel AND your response. Umm Khadeeja Mums Unstuck

🖤🧠🖤🧠🖤🧠🖤🧠🖤🧠🖤 There’s A LOT of talk about trauma and the nervous system BUT what does any of it actually mean when you’re standing in front of a child who is lashing out, running away, becoming extremely compliant or completely shutting down? AND..... why can their distress sometimes bring out a version of YOU that you barely recognise? I’m holding a three-hour, CPD and CE-accredited, trauma-informed workshop for mothers, female teachers and professionals who support children who want to understand the trauma-informed lens.... We’ll explore: ✨ What trauma actually is and how it can show up in everyday behaviour ✨ What happens in the brain, body and nervous system when we sense danger ✨ Why children and adults may become aggressive OR want to escape and completely shut down ✨ How your own behaviours can shape your reactions ✨ Why a child’s distress can activate something inside you too ❌This is not a parenting workshop filled with discipline strategies, scripts or quick fixes. ✔️It is an accredited professional development training giving you 3 CPD / CE points, providing you with a clear, accessible foundation for understanding trauma, nervous-system activation and what may be happening beneath behaviour. Because when you can understand what’s happening inside a child AND inside yourself, that awareness allows you to respond with greater curiosity and compassion to help everyone find calm. 📅 Sunday 13th September ⏰2pm - 6pm BST | 9am - 1pm ET | 4pm - 8pm KSA 💻 ONLINE via Zoom 🎟️ £39 🔗 https://mumsunstuck.com/cpd-parent Please feel free to share this with any mothers, teachers or female professionals who may benefit

They say you want to know more about ME…. WHICH feels super CRINGE because for the 15 years I’ve been present online (yep started back in 2011 with a blog most of you probably don’t know anymore - amuslimhomeschool.com) before launching Mums Unstuck in 2020, I’ve RARELY said much about myself I’m a Muslim woman sooooo naturally, don’t want to be in front of the world for all to see… BUT… The problem with that, is with the online space the way it is, it’s super difficult to know who is the real deal and who is just here to waste your time (and money!) And so what I’m EXPERMENTING with (yes this is an experiment) is sharing a little more “behind the scenes” content, and a little more “personal-ish” stories so you can understand who is behind the screen I’m actually at a huge transition point right now, becauee while I’ve been working with mothers for the last several years (and supporting you for 15) I’m starting to question the whole online space and what I’m doing in it, because it feels like the landscape is changing… I have a lot to say on this but I’ll save that conversation for another day! For now, I just wanted to put something out there to say, I’m here. I have no idea where I’ll go with this page and indeed whether this will be a project I nurture or another experiment that went nowhere. Only time will tell. But, if you’d like to get to know me a little better and what’s going on inside my head, then this is where I’m going to start playing around and see where it goes. Let the adventure begin! It feels a little bit scarey and exciting at the same time! Aaagghrr! Follow @muslimahunstuck on Instagram to take the journey with me Instagram.com/muslimahunstuck

👉Question How can I let my child (4year son) to acknowledge that i love him a lot and I alwys correct him and guide him for his betterment? 👉Reply Sis, you don’t need to convince your 4 year old you love him, or that everything you do is for his betterment. What you DO need to do is: 👉 Uphold REASONABLE, HEALTHY, AGE-APPROPRIATE boundaires with BOTH firmness AND kindess Firm = meaning not giving in Kind = meaning, without being mean or agressive when you do 👉 Understand before he can meet your expectations YOU must first teach him the skill/knowledge so he can. 👉 Spend quality time with him daily. You CAN NOT build positive influence with your child WITHOUT a positive relationship. And you can’t have a positive relationship without spending time together 👉 Use displine NOT punishment. Discpline seeks to help children LEARN to do better and equips them with the correct skill and / or knowledge Punishment seeks to make children suffer or pay for making a mistake / doing the wrong thing and teaches them nothing other than next time, don’t get caught! 👉 Never use anger as a “discpline” tool - it isn’t one 👉 Keep control of your own behaviours and reactions (kids can’t do anything you can’t do for yourself) 👉When a consequence is legitimately required, it must make sense. Meaning it must connect / relate to the behaviour. Ie: sending a child to their bedtoom after hitting with a toy does NOT connect to the behaviour. BUT withholding the toy he hit with does. 👉Act justly 👉 Parent from a place of love not fear. Fear will make you act unjustly and like a crazy person! Love will make you act with fairness and compassion ______ Want help without figuring it all out alone? Join the community www.mumsunstuck.com

I’ve had messages asking to join this that starts TOMORROW insha’Allah ….. 👉For the last minute stragglers who didn’t enrol before yesterdays registration close, and realising they meant to do it….I’ve opened it until 9pm (UK time) (4pm ET / 11pm KSA) TONIGHT 👉We begin our first session tomorrow insha’Allah, and girls joining us need time to go through the introductory materials so they are all ready. https://mumsunstuck.com/teens-page

🖍📝✏️✂️🖌🖍✏️✂️🖌🖍✏️✂️ Attending the Conference this weekend and want something to keep littles busy? FREE activity pack for toddlers to older children/tweens No strings....just download, print and use https://mumsunstuck.com/download-page 🖍📝✏️✂️🖌🖍✏️✂️🖌🖍✏️✂️

📣Last call out Registeration closes TODAY! Starts SUNDAY, insha’Allah 👉already registered? Make sure you replied to the email asking you for your daughters information so we can create her account 👉already did that? Make sure you read the email sent to you AND your teen with login information and what’s next 👉 can’t find the email? Check spam. 👉Still can’t find it? Email us info@mumsunstuck.com 👉Everyone who has replied with your teens information HAS been sent login information and access to the community and learning portal

I remember sitting in one of my daughter’s parents’ evenings and her teacher saying to me, “She just needs to have more confidence” It was something she told my daughter in front of me every year and I remember thinking, you really don't get it. That statement "just have more confidence" is a complete and total cop-out! How does a teenage girl simply “have more confidence” because you tell her to? It’s one of those statements I’ve come to really dislike and actually, really IRKS me because confidence isn’t something we can tell a teenager to have and expect her to wake up the next morning suddenly feeling differently about herself. If only it were that simple! When a teenage girl appears to lack outward confidence, we have to look beyond what we can see. If you're seeing the girl who doesn’t put her hand up in class to ask for help, or the girl who has something to say but waits for someone else to speak first, or the girl who constantly compares herself to her friends and picks herself apart whenever she looks in the mirror. You have to look deeper. Because what you're not doing is looking at what’s happening inside her that is STOPPING confidence forming. Confidence doesn’t begin with telling her to just "be more confident" and “just believe in yourself” What does that even mean anyway???? I'll tell you where it begins, it begins with helping her understand what is going on inside her. It begins with teaching her to notice the horrible critical thoughts inside her head (AKA waswas) that's making her question her own worth and be able to positively challenge them It begins with teaching her to notice her BIG feelings and crucially what to do with them It begins with teaching her how she can find safety to communicate with someone she trusts what help and support she needs instead of bottling it all up until she either explodes or shuts down If you're a muma who can see the value in these skills and want to help equip your teenage daughter with them, enrolment is open on the summer program starting SUNDAY insha'Allah The goal behind this LIVE group-supported program is NOT to show girls how to never feel stressed, worried, upset or overwhelmed about stuff happening... That's impossible! The goal is to show girls how to understand what is happening inside her from her thoughts to her feelings and have the practical tools to handle it well If we want confident teenage girls, we can’t simply keep telling them to BE confident. We have to actually give them the tools to build that confidence from the inside. REGISTRATION CLOSES TOMORROW (Friday) https://mumsunstuck.com/teens-page

Muslim women everywhere literally burn themselves out trying to keep up with the Joneses neighbour's, the Organic Ali's, because we buy into the idea that anything less than feeding the kids green smoothies while living in an immaculate home and ALWAYS feeling happy, is failure. So we cook with cold pressed coconut oil because the smoking point of olive oil is low & causes cancer We organise the Ikea shelf with an arrangement of books and educational resources that although the kids rarely use, makes us feel as though we are good parents We buy beautiful expensive wooden toys so our home stays looking beautiful when we take that picture for Instagram or when folks come round We eat organic apples because we can't afford to go ALL organic, and since apples are on the top of the dirty dozen list, it at least shows we are educated about the pesticide-GMO situation and are not willingly throwing our family in danger We invite friends for playdates and lay an array of freshly baked sugarless cookies because offering a big fat Victoria Sponge with double cream clearly screams I don't care about kids health We drive the kids to ten different activities a week so they don’t miss out on what everyone else is doing and don’t get left behind What are we doing to ourselves? It's like we think we are the first generation of mothers to have ever existed, or everything those who came before us did and knew was clearly all wrong! A slice of cake once in a while won't kill us. We don't have to prove to the world we are good mothers why do so many of us obsess about getting everything so perfectly right? The wealth of information now accessible, fuels our tanks of worry that we might do something wrong or not do enough, and we miss what is actually in front of us.....our kids. Our mothers didn't worry about the smoking point of olive oil or entertaining us 24/7. Our Grandmother's certainly didn't. Go back further, a hundred years, two hundred, even a thousand. What has always been important for the Muslim Mother, throughout every single generation since Muhammad صَلَّى اللّٰهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّم , is raising children to know and worship Allah alone in truth with no partner You know one thing I look back at about my own parenting adventure, is the crazy fear to never get anything wrong! If anything, I had it easy! I see younger mothers today and the very real fear they hold onto about messing everything up and traumatising their children! Listen to me sis, if you’re still knee-deep in the mumahood trenches, let those fears go, because I’m telling you, if you hold onto them and they drive you, you’re going to miss out on everything you have with your children today, because you’re constantly looking ahead 20 years into the future. Here is something I WISH someone taught me that I figured out the hard way…. Maybe Qadr Allah so you don’t have to… Stop worrying about everything so much. Stop trying to give your children everything they need to be successful in 20 years…. And instead give them everything they need to make today a success, insha’Allah… Because if you give them everything they need to make TODAY a good day, and you do that everyday, guess what…. You’ll reach next week, next month, next year, NEXT DECADE, with everything you all need to be successful, insha’Allah! And at the foundation of all of that, isn’t how many grade As they bring home (I’m not saying school isn’t important here!) or how much money they might earn…. The foundation of all success is knowing how to worship Allah alone in truth with no partner. And Allah hasn’t created the religion to be hard. Don’t make it hard Love, your (probably much older) sister! 🖤

📣STARTING SUNDAY insha’Allah 👉Are you a muma of teen girls ages 12-17? We ALL know what it's like to be a teenage girl... the self-sabotaging thoughts that scream "I'm not pretty enough, not good enough, not smart enough, not liked enough, not worthy enough"... Most of us have been there! Your teen doesn't need another reminder about being grateful, thinking positively or stop being silly! Telling a teen girl to "stop overthinking" isn't going to stop the storm from happening inside her head. What she needs are the tools you wish you'd had at her age so that she can better understand how to tame BIG emotions that make her irritable, stressed and angry. AND take control of the automatic negative thoughts that make her believe there's nothing she can do and the world is against her. The goal of this 4-week online workshop is to equip your teen daughter with essential emotional and mental fitness skills that many people never learn, so she is able to respond (not react) to life’s challenges without staying stuck. The goal isn't to eliminate difficult feelings or avoid challenging situations. That’s impossible! The goal is to have the TOOLS to be able to handle them well! Enrolment closes FRIDAY https://mumsunstuck.com/teens-page

We all make sure our girls know how to prepare for exams… We make sure they know their maths and English and science… We make sure they have good manners…. But what about making sure they know how to respond to their BIG feelings? Or what about the dark thoughts that make them believe they’re stupid, or not good enough? Or what about being able to communicate with you what she IS feeling and what support she needs without exploding or shutting down? What do we do to make sure they know how to avoid getting swept away by the emotional hijacking’s when BIG feelings hit? We don’t tend to teach our children these essential life skills and they ARE essential life skills! That’s exactly what teens joining Emotions, Thoughts & Me will learn over 4 weeks with me across August, starting next Sunday insha’Allah. Over 4 weeks she’ll learn crucial skills rooted in CBT to: ✨understand her BIG feelings (because she can’t manage what she doesn’t understand) ✨understand negative thoughts (because she can’t control what she doesn’t recognise) ✨understand what she can do to help herself (because she can’t positively help herself when she doesn’t know what she can do) ✨understand how to communicate what’s going on for her (because she can’t avoid creating conflict if she doesn’t know how to be heard ) 👉AND….. because I know she’ll benefit so much more if YOU (mum) also understand the tools and implement them with her, you’re also invited to silently view the training behind the scenes, so you can support her long-term implementation insha’Allah. Registration closes Friday https://mumsunstuck.com/teens-page (Ps. Just to be clear - this is a teen program and teens will be supported through the program and can ask questions. While mums are encouraged to view the material silently, support isn’t extended to you)

I think we can all agree how ridiculous it would be to expect children to do complex maths problems without ever teaching them the basics, and how even more ridiculous it would be to shame them or belittle them or get angry with them when they can't. We teach our children maths, english, science and history. We teach all these things because we know they are important to allow our children to grow up and be able to function in this world. YET, what we don't think about teaching, are the skills to manage BIG feelings BUT we expect kids to be able to. We expect children to manage anger or frustration or disappointment WITHOUT showing them HOW TO or at the very least, helping them understand what all these feelings are. We expect children to just "believe you can do it" without unpacking the story in their head telling them that they can't. We enrol our kids into summer school and extra tuition classes because naturally, we want to make sure they have everything they need to keep up with their academics and not get left behind. But, what about teaching the skills to help them stop believing they can't learn? The skills manage feeling rejected or stupid? What about teaching the skills to stop comparing themselves to others and shrinking themselves because they feel insignificant? What about teaching the skills to help them recognise what's happening in their body when anger or guilt hits? These are all things that are to be taught. Yet we expect our children to somehow know how to manage feelings and thoughts they've never experienced before. Emotions, Thoughts & Me is a 4-week LIVE online program for teen girls to learn these skills insha'Allah covering 4 key areas so she can: 👉 Recognise the emotional hijacking when BIG feelings hit 👉 Recognise the common unhelpful stories that present themselves as automatic negative thoughts and challenge them 👉 See what she CAN do to help herself 👉 Communicate what she wants or needs without exploding or shutting down The goal isn't to eliminate difficult feelings or avoid challenging situations (because that's impossible!). The goal is to have the tools to be able to handle it well, insha'Allah. Registration closes 7th August https://mumsunstuck.com/teens-page